Anne Notations

Sunday, May 02, 2010

A “Rather Gloomy Place”

Why does everything seem so hard? Some days I'm breezy, but more and more I am stalled... listless... gutted. My prayer, my chant, is always, "Let me be strong. Give me strength," but so far there is no answer.

In the weeks since I learned about my layoff, I have been astonished by the rapid cycling of my moods and well-being. At a workshop on job-interviewing skills, the four of us attending were more engaged by the opportunity to commiserate and vent than by the subject matter. All but one of the job openings I've seen in my general skill area locally pay approximately in the range I was making in 1992. About a 40% cut. Jeez Louise!

This weekend I had another bout of what is now a too-familiar affliction: extreme fatigue, muscle and joint pain, and IBS. It was gorgeous out, yet I spent two days indoors, sleeping and/or lying on the couch in front of the TV watching real-estate shows on HGTV.

Can I really be coming down with a GI virus every other week? What's with the headaches? The brain fog? Am I sick, or am I heartsick? I can't tell. I've lost control of the household, too. Dirty dishes sit in the sink, the dishwasher goes unemptied, the disposal smells rotten, the stovetop is littered with grease and blobs of food. Every surface in the house -- tables, desks, kitchen counters, blanket chest upstairs -- is cluttered with stuff I need to deal with: put away, give away, sort, process. And I have no energy to do it.

I have no energy to package myself for an upcoming interview. I have no energy to "craft" (please!) customized resumes for different jobs. I have no energy to act competent and excited. Is there a term for this? General malaise? I'm already taking two antidepressants; is it possible that I'm depressed? Have CFS? Fibromyalgia? That I'm dying? (Lucy van Pelt voice: "That's it!")

Clearly I need to do something. A list is the only place to begin – a modest list, something I can manage. Here are two phone calls I can make tomorrow:

1. Get some psychotherapy appointments.

2. Make an appointment with my doctor for a complete physical.

That's it for now. Oh – and resume posting here about my blessings, even if I have to stretch. Stretching, after all, can feel good.


  • Hey Anne...I've had fibromyalgia since 1999, and your description of symptoms is EXTREMELY close to what I experienced when I first flared. Kinda like a low-grade flu that makes your mind fuzzy and stomach flaky. Before I was diagnosed, I was almost psychotic from the cumulative lack of REM sleep. I would sleep and sleep, and stll feel exhausted and unstable. ;-)

    So I would definitely get checked out for it. That said, there are many drs. that still don't believe fibromyalgia exists, but it is *something* and regardless of what it's called, I've been MUCH better since i was diagnosed and treated. Find a good rheumatologist...and good luck! Healing beams sent your way! Happy to answer any questions, too... =)

    By Blogger pumpkiny, at Sun May 02, 07:33:00 PM EDT  

  • Anne,
    Very happy to see you blogging again. I enjoy your way with words and rich vocabulary.
    I truly understand how you are feeling. Empty was a word I often used after my job loss.
    Do what you can when you are up to it. Give yourself very small to-do lists initially.
    Maybe you can take some time off this summer and get your home back in order. House work takes a lot out of us but makes us feel proud with the end result. Allow yourself to grieve your loss...

    By Blogger r_weeks, at Sun May 02, 08:12:00 PM EDT  

  • My prayer last week, "Lord, let me know you."

    My prayer today, "Lord, let Anne know you -- preferably in a form that makes her deeply joyful, right now. With a cherrystone clam on top."

    Anne - I am grateful for your post.

    By Blogger Marsosudiro, at Sun May 02, 10:11:00 PM EDT  

  • Anne, though you are in the darker depths of being, you blogged today. It's a baby stretch. And for us, a relief to read you. All this crafting and packaging of oneself coming off a very huge loss is only for people that work at Goldman Sachs and who wants all that glue and sprinkles in their hair at this point? I think your list is perfect. Taking care of *you* (slowly) as the house can wait, mine did, for almost two years. Those globs on the stove were starting to look like my ex husband but now they were swiftly cleaned up when I felt better. Much love and feeling better vibes xo

    By Blogger Cheryl Leigh, at Tue May 04, 08:55:00 PM EDT  

  • *hugs*

    One step at a time, hun.

    By Blogger BrideOfPorkins, at Wed May 05, 10:40:00 PM EDT  

  • hope you moved ahead with the practical list. i very much relate to your writing/you.

    By Blogger rabbi neil fleischmann, at Wed May 12, 05:22:00 PM EDT  

  • Thinking of and rooting for you. Remember, we are all dying and living too - Lucy, Charlie Brown, everyone.

    By Blogger rabbi neil fleischmann, at Sat May 29, 11:21:00 PM EDT  

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